The Silence of Love

The silence is deafening.... waiting for something, anything... Not a sound was made for what seemed like the longest time. She just started at the monitor. Her focus was totally devoted to the job at hand. The longer time goes by, the more I fear the worst. I am desperate for her to speak but dread the words that are due out of her mouth. Please say something!! "I'm really sorry, there's no heartbeat." But not that! Anything but that!! I can't see my eyes have filled so quickly, I knew something wasn't right, I felt it... "I'll have to get my college to confirm. I'm so sorry, it is standard procedure." Maybe she's wrong? Maybe she just can't find it? Hope is all I can feel in these moments, hope that she's wrong, that she's made a mistake. I can feel the desperate need for hebubbling up inside of me. Clinging to any strand of hope that she could be wrong. As the doctor walks in, I feel myself holding my breath anxious for the midwife to be wrong, for her to tell me my baby is okay, please tell me my baby is okay!! "I confirm my college is correct," It wasn't a mistake. I can't control the tears, the noise escaping my body as I lay here sobbing. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and the muffled speech of the doctor... His body is on mine, wrapping me in his warmth, love, and utter sorrow from his own grief. How can this be? Why me? Why now? Did I do something wrong? Was it something i ate? Drank? Do i deserve this because im a bad person? Oh, please make this pain go away it hurts so much. I wanted this so much wanted him or her, their tiny fingers in mine, clutching onto my thumb, that feeling of unconditional love A love that no matter what could never break, because they were mine and I was theirs, their protector, their forever guardian. What was I going to do? How and I going to tell them? They wanted this, too. Now I have to tell them I failed, that I can't make their dreams come true. Not only that, I can't make them come true, but that I've lost this dream, this dream that we have all wanted for so long. The nurse talked to me about the next steps, procedures, and aftercare, but I'm just staring at her, hardly hearing a word she's saying, still clutching at my maternity notes... " What do I do with these?" l ask as i lift the notes towards her. It's so random and out of the blue, but she just doesn't even miss a beat... "I'll take those, keep them with your hospital notes for our records, " She says calmly. She's probably had this conversation a thousand times. She knows what to say and how to react to random questions or outbursts. It must be a hard job on days like today. He's still here with me, hasn't left my side, or let go of my hand since those dreaded words were uttered.. I don't remember how we got here or the journey home at all, but here we are, sitting outside the house. It looks lonely as I gaze upon the building, just red bricks stacked on top of each other. Built to withstand wind and rain, hail and snow, its cold and lonely looking standing still waiting for us to enter. Waiting for the hearts within to be broken and crushed. An old, tired looking building that needed some serious work inside and out. But how could I complain about it? It was protecting the two most precious people from this outside world. This daunting, heartbreaking, evil world. A world that will chew you up and spit you out. Wait just long enough for you to find your feet and chew you up again. I know I sound cynical, but if you had lived my life, you might feel the same. As I sit gazing at our battered council house and all her flaws, my thoughts come back to the people inside. How do I tell them? It's going to break their hearts. I can feel my eyes welling up again with all the sorrow yet to come. I can't breathe. The tears are too heavy, and I can't compose myself. I don't want to go in. If I never walk through that door, their hearts will never have to break. I will stay out here forever! 'I'll go in first, break it to them, you wait here. I'll come back for you' Finally, a voice of reason, calm and sensible, yet warm and loving. I suppose he has no choice when I am such a mess. Who else is going to do it? Now this is even worse, I have put too much on this wonderful man already! What is wrong with me? Why can't I get myself together!? Here I am sat waiting for the love of my life, who has just lost his first child, to break the news to the two most precious beings in this world, in my world. Whilst I just sit here like a coward. I am so ashamed of myself, ashamed of not being strong enough to break the news, to not be the one to hold and comfort them through this... Why am I just sitting here? What kind of mother am I? It's like my body is stuck in place, unable to do what I command of it. MOVE!! All I want to do is run inside and hold them, but i can't!? Why can't i? Because i know they need strength and love, not this utter mess I've been resolved to, a shadow of myself from just over a year ago. Broken once more.. "Come on then, upstairs," "Are they okay?" "They will be. You can go see them a minute, just get yourself sorted first, I can hear them sobbing. Why did I do this to them? Why did I put them through such torment. I know the statistics I've been here before. You should never announce a pregnancy before the 12-week mark, so why did I? Their crys are getting louder as I near the top of the stairs, my girl is sitting on the edge of her bed. As i enter, she looks up at me, i can see the worry spread across her face. I sit with her. No words are needed, just hugs. She relaxes into me like she's been holding everything in trying not to show how sad she is, but I can see it, feel it. She's hurting for me, for her, for this loss of a dream we all held so dearly for so long. Kissing her on the forehead, I leave in search of the other. As i near his room, the sobbing is uncontrollable, and I can hear every breath between sobs. I can't bear it. The heartbreak he is feeling is incomprehensible. How can such a little boy be expressing so much pain. It's like his tiny body is just overflowing with emotion, pouring out of him because there's so much it has nowhere else to go. As I enter the room, his gaze shoots up to meet mine. "Is it my fault? is it because I jumped on you?" Oh, my poor baby! How could he think such things. We had told him to be careful and that I couldn't rough play as much anymore but to think that he is the cause? My heart can't take anymore! How many times can one person's heart break in a single day? How can I take away his pain? "No, of course not, It is just one of those things that happen sometimes. It's no ones fault at all. Please don't blame yourself, okay? It is not your FAULT I PROMISE!!" Sitting here wrapped in my boys' sorrow, I realise I have no choice. I have to be strong. How could he think he's responsible? No one is responsible! Not him, not me, not anyone. We will get through this together. We HAVE to!!