A thousand apologies: gone too soon

My life has been much calmer compared to the end of last year. After I made it out of the deepest and darkest ditch I faultily dug and pushed myself in, life has become less of a rollercoaster ride. Not to jinx it but it has actually been going smoothly and I made new friends. I have made a nice life for myself in Cape Town. Getting as far away from my family and cutting them all off was just what I needed. Sure, I made mistakes but the consequences were mine to bear, not those of others' mistakes. My ride-or-die, Dee-Jay has stuck by me through the breakup, the move here, the pregnancy shock, the make-up, the break-up, the cover up, my frequent guilt trips to the tarvans and now living life like all that didn't happen. What a year. He never gave up on me. He saved me. The first person I can say that loved and understood me. I grew up in a world that never liked me. My family acted like I was bringing so much inconvenience to them. Actually that I was the inconvenience. I saw it in the way that I was prioritized second or last and I am not making it up. The people I put up on a pedestal so much treated me either like a pawn or rash. Rather than be with me, my dad preferred jail, and my mom, a zombie. My grandparents love the life they had before me. They were barely home, always at church or house calls spending their pension money on a nanny for me. They let the chief 'adopt' me for prestige. The royal family put the throne before me. DJ always put me first. I acknowledged it now. and since then he's been getting his flowers. At this point in my life, I have no complaints. I'm three-quarters through my third year of law school. DJ and I make up the top two in our class, alternating for first place. My physical and mental health is better. My grandparents were adamant to be back in my life as much as possible. They did ask for my forgiveness regarding Hendrick and the baby's situation. Taking the royal's side was the biggest betrayal and they see that now. They emphasized that on top of a hole in my stomach, they struck a knife in my back. I was just a young frightened girl that didn't ask for any of it and I needed their protection then but they were misled by the royal family. They call almost every night begging for a visit. They're blood, I mean I'm their only heir. I can't resent them forever. It will hurt me and what I stand to inherit. I learned to forgive. They are a lot less overbearing and naive. They are, however, strict about me attending church every Sunday. Who else from the past deserves a mention in this life update? Oh... I really do not want to bring them up. I last thought of them, on my first flight to the Cape. Screw Hendrick and his family. I don't want to see them, hear about them, be near them let alone think of them again. I'm over my breakup with Hendrick. I got over how I knew him to the person who loved me the most and yet hurt me the worst. He could not stand up for me against his family and that hurt. But enough with me wallowing about people who clearly do not care if I have eaten. I'm at one of the biggest parties in South Africa and they are not. Friends with the more handsome guys than Hendrick with better names than Henrick. Accompanying the best Rapper s***h DJ in South Africa. You know him as CelebriT but I know him as Thapelo. He is very big here in Limpopo but he is not so known yet outside the province. This is Thapelo's last performance before his album dropping later in the evening. We come from the same home town. He is actually my childhood bully, Fifi's cousin but they're nothing alike. He actually isn't triggered by the sight of me. That's good because he's a good friend who gives me free tickets and backstage access to all his shows. I kinda have a big crush. We flirt from time to time but that's just it. With my history with guys, especially that one guy it's better things don't go further than that. Relationships in general are not another pit I want to put myself in. Anyways, the biggest perk of having a rapper friend is sitting in the VIP section at Limpopo Hot Mike. The setting is a large field with the main stage and white VIP tents. It is an annual rap festival that happens every third Saturday of December. We got here at around 10 am, half an hour before he was lined on stage to perform. He sat with us for a while to have a light meal then he went on to show Limpopo a good time with his songs. From where we are sitting we can see the stage and a tiny bit of the crowd. Our section is not as packed or loud which is great for us. The first round of drinks was free. I just ordered a mocktail but the two boys were there for the drinks so they went all out. Even if I try as much to not look at the drinks on our table, I can still smell them. I did not want to drink alcohol, because I can't stop at just one glass. This night is all about Tee, can't risk drinking than forgetting it happened the next morning. I'll stick to juice and coke. It's a very tempting environment not to join in the drinking, honestly. I also ordered water for Bobby. By Bobby, , I mean Tee's dog seated on my lap tied to a leash. Thapelo's boss's son, Lucky is also here. He's a good boy, very by the book. He invited himself here. Tee's friend Mfundo, doesn't like anyone, he is also hard to like. Dee-Jay could not have made it because he can't stand the Limpopo heat and he didn't trust either of us behind the steering wheel. He is actually on a safari vacation in Botswana. These roads are not gentle and Tee is the smoothest driver. He's the king of these roads. He's our designated driver. Te's strictly off alcohol. Where I am, who I am with and why feels so refreshing. This is the closest I have been to my hometown, the heart of my trauma, and the birthing pains of panic. My guy is killing it on the big stage. The crowd is loud and full of energy. Tee started off performing his most popular song from his album with his past record label. He then moved on to perform one from his upcoming album that was "leaked" and then ended up redoing his first song again by crowd demand. He calls up a fan on stage to sing the chorus with him. When he finished he waves bye to the crowd, wished them home safe, and disappears off stage. A couple of minutes later, he joins us in VIP. His 'bros' cheered him on as he sat on the open seat next to me. His smile fades away when he saw three empty glasses on the table. "You guys can't be seriously drinking in front of Kay," he reprimands them. He gives them a questioning look and slightly bobbing his head in my direction when he says my name. "I had a mocktail," I defend myself, and what if I had not? I speak right in his face jokingly so he can have the scent of my non-alcoholic cherry breath. "Look where we are. Will it have made a difference," Mfundo replied. "Didn't know it was that big of a problem. She pregnant?" Lucky asked worryingly. "What? No!" I exclaim supressing the panic building inside me. "Never ever," I think to myself. "I did not bring her here. Lucky, did you?" Mfundo adds. Ouch. Was I a bore to him? "I reassured her she's not missing out on anything. Nothing's changed nor different about drinking," Lucky tries to lighten up the situation. He is so sweet, he wanted to have a mocktail with me but after he tried one sip, he sent it back and asked for something stronger. "Tee, it's okay. Its actually nice to be the sober one for a change. It's Mfundo, you should be worrying about, I don't even think he can get up from this table," I calm the situation down. "I can but I will not, Tee. It's only 11 pm, the night is still young," Mfundo says slurring and eyes drooping. "Let's leave at 1 am. My mom is expecting me at 9 tomorrow and I want my 8 hours," Tee clears up. "Tee, did you and Lucky swap personalities? What's with the curfews and alcohol monitoring. We do not need another babysitter. We're not the ones quitting. Is it an unsaid law that since you guys are not drinking anymore, the rest of us aren't can't have our fun too," Mfundo snarkily defended. Thapelo's face frowns. "It was selfish of me to bring you here. This place threatens your recovery. You can't even count on me anymore. You are too good for us," he apologized. He reached for my closest arm to him, the same hand that was holding onto the dog leash and he gently placed my hand in his. His smile returned. I feel at ease with his hand in mine. The urge to drink disappears. Hendrick barely crosses my mind. The butterflies fly energetically in my stomach. My heart beats twice as fast. He's quite the charmer. The feelings are here and real but I don't want to give in to them. I'd rather walk back to Joburg on broken glass barefoot than be in love again only to fall out of it, badly. I see this as harmless flirting and nothing more. Anyways he's a rapper, known to want a good time not a long time. What can he offer me above that? "Recovery? You all understanding that I am not quitting just limiting," I asked. I let go of Tee's hand. Our hands being apart sorter felt like a violation to my hand, to my entire being but I was mad to correct it. "Did you not say you are quitting?" he asked but it sounded more like he was telling me to. Tee's frown came back but he quickly covered it with a blank face. "No. Are you assuming or did you decide that for me?" I asked and everyone goes quiet. I give a dead stare. My blood pressure was rising up. Tee must think long and hard before uttering his response. HEADLINE; CelebriT; found dead because he made Khaya mad. "Uhm," Tee starts to speak "Enough. My future baby mama is about to perform. How bout endless rounds of adult apple juice for me and Lucky Man, and water for you Tee, chill pills for Kay only if Tee is alright with that of course, and BBQ wings for the table?" Mfundo quickly asked the group closing the argument. "Come on Mfundo, Samantha can't get more entertaining that these two bickering," Lucky said. "I want to go back to the hotel," I command. Mfundo gave an annoyed glance before he let out a sigh too and gave in. Well, Lucky let out a sigh, and Mfundo let out an entire huff and snuck an eye roll. "Alright, let's go. Tee, you'll settle the bill," Mfundo says behind me. Thapelo drove us back to the hotel that was thirteen bumpy minutes away from the concert location. It was nothing fancy, just a decent place to rest. Our heads kept hitting the roof of the car. I know he drove directly into the potholes on purpose. The car ride was quiet, no radio on. You could tell Tee wanted to break the silence intentionally driving over the potholes. The elevator doors open to our floor and we step out. "Breakfast ends at 11h45 and it's free. I'll be back from mom's at 11h30 max," T reminded his friends who were all still giving Tee the cold shoulder. We split up into our own rooms. I unlocked the door. As soon as I got in the room I set Bobby loose and fixed him a bowl of water and dogmo. Limpopo is hot even at 12 am, he could not stop drinking water. I heard a knock on the door and I walked to open it. Figured it was Mfundo fetching the can he gave me to hold. Tee was the one at the door. I immediately closed it on him and walked away. Before my room door could swing shut behind me, T blocked it from closing with his foot and entered my room. "I know you're mad. I'm sorry to have assumed you're in recovery. You said you're not drinking anymore," he apologized and defended his words. "I said I'm not drinking anymore at your shows, although you think I should, right?" I corrected. He's got me all wrong. I'm not that girl that drinks to run away from her problems anymore. "My bad. We good," he asks and I nod. "No. You'd rather have an uptight version of me than a tipsy version of me," I ask. "I'd rather have that no one feel the need to drink to have a good time," he debates. "I'd rather have that be my decision," I debate. "You are right. I am sorry. Are we cool. Is it safe to say that you're still coming with me to see my mom," he asked. I give out a sigh of frustration. "I get it. I was wrong to assume," he says taking my sigh as a no. "No. It's not that," I say. I would love to have tea and scones with his mom but I have the greater the urge to not go. I can't credit my lack of enthusiasm for one reason. It's so many different things. Four reasons to be exact. 1. Mothers don't like me. I haven't had the best interactions with mothers. My own mother harmed me once. Hendrick's mother did not hide that she hated me. DJ's mom is very suspicious of me. Lucky's mom hardly acknowledges my presence. That's four mothers I know and all have a problem with me. Do they know something? Am I the problem? 2. I have quite a reputation. Not a good one as one would believe. Even though I will have met her for the first time, I don't need to introduce myself. My business has been a free for all gossip show. I am so popular and so unlikeable. I am a walking danger zone in any parent's eyes. My mom is a so-called 'mad witch', my dad is a prisoner, the royal family disowned me, Tee's cousin, Refiloe lives to speak ill of me, and I'm sure she thinks I killed my own child. I mean even Tee thinks that I need rehab. The only prestigious thing about me is that I study law and my adoptive father is the king of Metsungo but that is overlooked by all the things I mentioned before. 3. Don't want to be anywhere closer to home than I already am. Just being back in Limpopo is making me tense about everything. Everything that lives to root against me and the cause of my trauma is a 5-minute drive from her house. 4. This won't be a quiet visit. The chief can't know that I was around and did not pass by "Doesn't your mom not like me or is afraid of me on the basis of what everyone has to say about me, my life, or my family," I ask him "This is the woman who raised me and I am the sweetest person there ever is. My mom has never not liked my friends even with their flaws. It won't start with you," he encouraged. He sits on the edge of my bed. "We've been, what, friends for two months, and you haven't met my mom nor spoken with her over the phone. The opportunity is right here, 20 minutes away," he said. "But you've known Lucky for six months and she never met him either," I point out. "The thing with Lucky is that it's complicated," he said. "How?" I questioned him. "Well, uhh, uhm, I just want two of my favorite woman to meet. She'd be honored to have the Princess of Metsungo in her living room," he replied. "Yeah. I'm not convinced," I say. "My cute kid will be there. He loves to play with Bobby but Bobby won't behave in the car unless you're there," he points out more reasons to go. Thapelo adores his kid. He loves the kid so much but would love a different baby momma. His baby boy would have been 2 years older than my kid had mine lived. "Isn't your mom neighbours with the gossip-spreader? The chief will be offended to know that I came to Elias without passing by to see him," "Then we will drive see the chief after," he comes up with an idea "The chief will most likely be at the royal house and he does not there live alone," I say making emphasis on the last three words. "Have you ever thought of making amends over breakfast," "Great idea. 2 years of feuding would be forgotten over breakfast," I say sarcastically. If amends wanted to be made, they would have already. I shouldn't be the one to reach out first. Something bad needs to happen, for that day to come. "So, what is your plan? Never visiting home," he asks me "No. It's visiting home when the chief is not in town," I reply feeling exhausted. The topic of the royal family is draining me. "How often does he leave town?" "Often enough to visit my dad in prison and see my mom at clinic. Can we change the subject," "Do you wanna visit your dad while we her-" he suggests. "Let's not talk about that either," I cut him off "What can we talk about? The weather? Politics? Samantha's performance? It's so superficial. I can't go too deep about anything with you," "You always want to talk about things I don't want to talk about. I am not there with you yet. Let's calm our breaths and lay down," I say sitting on the bed and ushering him to sit next to me. Thapelo has lived a sheltered life compared to me. There's nothing I can say about my past friendships, relationships and losses that he can relate to. "Well I am," he confidently "No you are not. There's things you do not want to tell me either. Like your dads passing, your child's mom, your infatuation with Jack and his entire family and its okay," I say "I just look up to Jack and he treats and sees me like a son. I am a man, who grew up without a father, who is trying to raise a son," he clears out. His voice is soft and croakily. His eyes are holding back tears. "I am just not ready to talk with you," I say. "Understood," he humbly says sitting on the bed. "Anyways Samantha..., I don't why Mfundo thinks he can wife her," I change the subject. "Yeah, like a girl that keeps a kid away from his dad is not wifey material," he remarks. "Do you really think that?" I ask in a low tone. If this was a cartoon moment, there would be steam flowing out of my ears and ticking sounds in the background.