The Alphas helping hand - If I ever catch you

Olivia POV “Never turn your back on anyone... to be compassionate sure, but also: you might just get stabbed in the back. So vigilance, sweetpea, vigilance.“ Only a few of my father’s many weird “words of wisdom. “ I see the hint of a smile glittering in his eyes as he speaks. His voice, his laugh, the wit in everything he says... a warm but painful memory. I slam my fist harder into the punching bag in front of me. Again. And again. And again. Until all that is left to feel is the burning sensation of the split skin on my knuckles. It doesn’t help, though. The hurt, the loss, the horror all stay. Locked away in a dark corner of my mind and heart. Making it hard to breathe and slowly but surely driving me insane. However, that day hasn’t come yet. Inspecting my bandaged hands, seeing the blood slowly seep through the white, I walk over to Dane. Great Dane. He looks me over, his brows furrowed. Since we met a little over three years ago, he had always understood, just known, when it was better to not say anything. Being the silent, brooding type himself, he was the only company I could stand. Everything about him screams power and strength, from the biceps as big as logs to the broad chest and the washboard abdomen. Working as a bouncer, that’s all that people ever notice. Should I let you in on a little secret: he is a bear. Yup, as in grizzly-like shifter. Big mouth, sharp teeth, living as a pack and all. Me, the lone wolf, the girl who had her family and pack taken from her and him teaming up, forming a deep connection and a true friendship, goes back to a whisky-clouded night just after my life got ripped to shreds. Then I was still of the opinion that I could drown my feelings at the bottom of many a glass of liquor of any kind. I was scared out of my mind, looking over my shoulder constantly and pushing away raw memories. Still looking over my shoulder now...As for Dane: Well, I guess I have a thing for big, bald guys calling me “dearyyyy. “ In all honesty, though he was the first person I met, that gave me a sense of security. I had my guard up with him for a long time. Trusting him took me about a year. His being a shifter helped, even though he is a bear. I never told him my whole story. But, of course, he never told me his either. So there we are, the odd ones out in any possible way, being the ones putting ourselves there. “Done for today, O.? “, he looks at me, knowing that even hours of training wouldn’t be enough. Sure, it gives me something to do. It gets me exhausted enough, so I can sleep for 2-3h before the nightmares have me in their claws again. “Yup.“ I nod in his direction. “Just let me get my stuff, and I will meet you outside.“ With a nod from my bald (by choice, might I add) friend, I jog off in the direction of my gym bag. I jog everywhere. And if I say everywhere, I mean everywhere. Being still in any way makes it, so I have to face my racing mind... and call me a coward, but I just can’t. I also never turn my back to the room. And the only reason I picked this gym, as one of the five I rotate between, is it’s open 24/7, and most of the walls are covered with mirrors. The only dead spots are surveyed from where Dane usually stands, watching me. With the black bag in my hand, I reach the changing rooms. Empty, as always at this time of day. Before the lunch crowd and just after the early birds left. I throw on my grey sweater over the light blue workout gear. The only time I ever willingly wear tight clothes is at the gym. Passing the big mirror over the vanity on my way out, I meet my dark brown eyes. Purple shadows tell the story of several days without actual sleep. “Purple suits you! You look like a sleep-deprived Bambi. Kind of hot.“....that voice. The wink is audible as he mocks me. Shaking my head, I turn to leave the changing room. Remembering just hurts. It’s not like anything could ever bring him back, make me hear his voice again outside my head. Just flashbacks of a life that I no longer call mine. A dream I gave up on and what I lost three and a half years ago. Stepping outside the gym, I wince at the sun that is suddenly out. When we got here at 5:30 am, it was pitch black outside. After running the 9 miles to get here, driving to work in Dane’s truck is what I should look forward to. But I don’t. All I do is fidget with my hands the whole 20 minute drive after getting in the passenger seat of the Dodge Ram. I pick up double shifts at least three, if not four, times a week. That’s the only reason we are on our way now. Dane works the door most nights, but he takes me to work nevertheless. The silent agreement: he takes me to work, even though he doesn’t have to come in yet, and I make him lasagna. Win-Win. In the parking lot of the “Dine-Bar “(tacky, I am aware, so is everyone else who comes here), I open the door after a short nod to my driver and a quick look around me. Entering the building, I wave at Mindy behind the counter, check the tables, and sprint to my locker to change. The uniform, hanging before me in all its mustard-yellow glory, will be covered almost entirely by my oversized cardigan. Working here means I serve food, like in any diner, till 10 pm. Then they turn this place into a bar... riddle me that. Since there is a college the next town over and my boss is not too keen on checking every ID, we get a lot of booze-hungry frat boys and sorority girls; hands the bouncer. I post at the waitressing station and sort the menus before rechecking the door. When I started here, my colleagues made fun of me, saying I behaved like a deer in the headlights or a dog jumping anytime the door opened. I chose this place because, like at the different gyms I go to, there are just two exits, both always in my line of sight. One can see all the tables and the door from the waitressing station, and the bar has a mirrored wall over it. Lately, I have gotten good at preparing drinks while still staring at the bar behind me through the mirrors. That’s what being stalked for four years does to you. My stalker. I do a lot of things because of him and that night. Run, box, hide my scent at all times and at all costs (even the side effect of slowly losing my sense of smell), work here, make lasagna for Dane. “Can you get that?“ Mindy points at the elderly gentleman waving his coffee cup. “Yup, on my way.“ I grab the pot and make my way over to him. The rest of the morning passes with a lot of coffee poured, bacon passed out, eggs and hash browns distributed. Slow as always. Still, I jump every time the bell above the door chimes. As lunch rolls around, in comes the crowd of truckers and youth groups on field trips. Crowds make me anxious. But I can get through this. First, I wrap the cardigan around me tighter, hiding every inch I can. Then, walking over to take the next order, I let my shoulder-length hair fall forward. “What can I get you today?“ I force a smile on my face as I look at the teenagers sitting at the table. “You could get us three Iced Teas and... your number, sweetheart?“, an acne-scarred guy with his baseball cap pulled deep into his face groans at me. He tries to wink, which makes this so much weirder. Even with the side effects from the potions that help me hide my scent, I can smell him and his friends very clearly, and boy, do they need a shower and some deodorant. “I will have those right out for you.“ I turn on my heels and go over to the counter to pick up the pitcher. When I return to the table, the guys are deep in talks. “She just puts out for anybody, dude! Macie? Yeah, I could definitely tap that.“ I clench my teeth. Getting in trouble is what I want to avoid at all costs. Do not attract attention, Olivia. The old me did that, the proud me. That side of me is gone, or so I thought. But these pricks are making my blood boil. What can I say: she-wolf and an Alpha at that. My dad always made me promise not to make other people feel just how powerful I could be. Still, short fuse. And especially when a girl gets disrespected. That’s the only reason I was ever suspended. Oh, I almost made those assheads choke on the strength emanating from me. They never messed with another girl after again. And I still got through High School in two years instead of four. “Here you go.“ Leaning over, I put the glasses on the table. My hands shake slightly from the rage I am trying to press down. “If you need anything else, let me know. “ “Still waiting for your number. “ I give him my fakest smile: “Sorry, I don’t want you to TAP THAT into your phone. Just generally don’t give out my number to customers. Especially ones that are underage.“ As I turn, the guy with the baseball cap grabs my a**. Oh no, he didn’t! Spinning around, I let out a low growl and give him a chop to the adam’s apple. “Hands off!“, I hiss. I can feel something burning behind my eyes. Choking, he hunches forward. “Damn, uncalled for!!!“ His friends shout profanities, jumping off the bench, trying to help 'baseball cap'. Then, a few seconds later, one of the teachers comes rushing over. “Allowing your wait staff to be violent? What kind of place is this?“, the curly-haired lady shouts at Sal, the owner, just leaning against the counter, watching the scene unfold. “I didn’t see nothing.“, he spits, his southern accent so thick, you can hardly understand him. I, on the other hand, keep my head low and storm towards the back door through the kitchen, my hands balled into fists. Once outside, I take a deep breath. My fangs elongated when that little fucker groped me, and now I have to calm down. That’s about as wolf-like as I get nowadays, though. I watch my now almost black eyes flicker a little to bright gold in the shiny hood of a car. It’s gone in a millisecond. Leaning against the wall behind me, I wait for my heartbeat to steady. There is dull pain around my temples, and I rub them as I take deep breaths. Breath in, breath out, little Olive. Everything will be fine. I still cringe every time I remember that nickname. I can’t use it. Not since that night. Not after it being used while I heard my family scream in the other room. The smell of something burning is lingering in my nose. “UUHhh.“, groaning, I press my hands against my face. “You alright there, sweets? Sal, send me to check on you... also, there’s like a ton of customers.“ Mindy appears at the door behind me, following her sickeningly sweet, high-pitched voice. “Oooh.“, she stops, chewing her gum, bored once she sees me. I grimace at her, trying to compose myself and smile. “I will be back inside in a minute, Mindy. I hope you aren’t too swamped.“, I say apologetically. She just huffs and mumbles: “Whatever.“, as she walks back through the door. Great. That work ethic. To die for. Reminds me of why I am writing applications. Well, Dane is forcing me. “Don’t get stuck here, dearyyyy.“ Oh, how much do I want to tell him that I like being stuck here. Being stuck, not thinking. Forgetting about the future that I thought I would have. The one I worked on for 8 years at college and university. Lab coats, rounds, charts, all flashing before my eyes for a second. And that smile. The smile that could light up a room. On the face, I last saw over three years ago contorted into a grimace of pain. I press my eyes to hold back the tears and groan in frustration and despair. “Smile, little Olive. Smile. I have been waiting for this for so long. After all, I am here to have fun.“ Malice. Pure evil. I swallow hard to repress the whimper that tries to leave my throat as I see the clown mask appear before my inner eye. What’s wrong with me today?! I clearly didn’t work out hard enough this morning if the images from my nightmares keep hunting me during the day. Breath. ‚You can do this!‘, I keep chanting to myself, and after five minutes of that, I feel somewhat able to face the lunch crowd inside again. Baseball cap and his friends, plus the teachers, are gone when I return, and I go clean off some tables under the menacing stares that Mindy gives me. Sal is watching his diner from the counter like a hawk. The yellow and brown interior is his pride and joy. And moon goddess forbid, someone might want to steal one of those ugly dark brown table cloths of his. So he better be alert. Only serves me. One more person to watch the door. Shared paranoia makes us comfortable (to some extent) around each other. He nods in my direction with what I think is supposed to be a reassuring smile. He does best to portray the big bad wolf with his un-groomed mustache, though. But there is a heart of gold beating in that hairy chest of his. Big bad wolf.... it would be nice to have one like that right now. I still haven’t gotten used to Celia not being there. That night, she left me…and I forced her out when she tried to come back. Would you stay if all you ever got to hear was: “F**k off “? I closed the link to her permanently for a long time. For a year, I couldn’t deal with her there. She abandoned me! In the most horrific, the scariest moment of my life, she wasn’t there. She didn’t let me help them. I was frozen in fear, and even when the rage came, all I could do was trash around, listen to them plead. Hear my father roar not to touch the rest of his family. Listen to HIM laugh and watch the silver knife blink in the moonlight. After that night, she tried to apologize. I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to die and was scared shitless at the same time. What she had to say was of no value to me. My family, my pack, everything was gone. For a whole year, I gave her the silent treatment. When I got to the point that I realized how lonely I was and that I couldn’t go on like this, I couldn’t reach her. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ (24 months earlier) The motel room around me is still spinning. Drinking that much was probably not the wisest idea, even for a werewolf. And it doesn’t help... at least that’s what Dane says. I giggle to myself. Great Dane. He’s like a puppy in a big bear suit, after all. Ever since I met him a few months ago, all he did was try to make me feel better and put down the bottle. So far, he hasn’t succeeded. He was trying to protect me from the world. It would be nice to have an actual guard dog. “UUUUUH. I have one in my head.“, I shout at the ceiling. “Celia!!! Celia, you little abandoning BI**H, come out here!“ Waiting for her answer, I listen within. But the space in the back of my head is empty. Nothing, no growl, no bark. No comment. An eerie feeling is rising in me. ‚Celia?', I whisper through our link. What is happening? Why can I still not reach her? ‚Please, I need you.‘ Nothing. I know I abandoned my wolf ways, haven’t even tried to shift, and was just living as a human those past twelve months. Drinking when the flashbacks got too bad, and the fear clawed at me. Looking over my shoulder every other minute of the day. Dane had suggested that I start training again, get strong and fight back if I get the chance, but I dismissed it with a shrug. At least I did then. “I am sorry.“, I said quietly, to a room I was alone in. Alone, like always. “Please, I forgive you, OK? But I need you right now.“ And then it hit me: “I am tired of feeling alone, I am tired of only running and not being able to retaliate. Your strength is what I need right now, so please, Celia. Talk to me.“ Tears are pricking at my eyes. Since I hadn’t shifted in a long time, my hearing worsened, and so did my strength and healing abilities. What a time to always watch out, so you do not cut yourself! But my sense of smell is getting the worst of it, with the potion and all. Suddenly, I feel like my head is splitting in two. Pain seeps into my spine, running down every limb from there. I grab my head as hard as I can, screeching on top of my lungs. “Make it stop, please!!!“. I drop to my knees. My head is pounding; I can hear my blood rush in my ears. I hug my own body and rock myself back and forth. When I think I can’t handle that toe-curling pain any longer, it stops. I feel hot all over and am a hundred percent sure I must be glowing. I get up shakily. Letting out a long breath, I fall back on the bed. The bed gives in with a shatter as loud as someone bowling with 10 trash cans. What the hell?! I jump up and manage to grab the glass of water off the nightstand before it falls to the floor. “Pang. “I watch in shock as glass goes everywhere, when the cup breaks. It can’t be! Can it? Are they back?! Feels like they are. I grin to myself. Yup, they are. Restored to almost standard capacity, I guess. Well, let’s not expect too much. But something is back. Head-turning to soak in the regained strength, I let my claws extend, for the first time in a year, and rip through the big leather chair. Just to see if I could. I am going to have to pay a sweet sum for those damages. I get up and go over to the bathroom, grab the soap dish and smash it. Slowly, I slice open my palm. Watching the blood trickle into the sink, I can already feel the warm sensation of the wound healing. ‚Celia?‘, again I try to reach out to her in my head. I still can’t hear her, but I see a shadow move in the back. ‚Does that mean you accept my apology? Are you going to help me fight back if it comes to it? ‘No answer, but calm is pushed forward. Enveloping me, settling a restlessness I didn’t even know was there. Drowning out the fear for a second. There is a warmth rising in my chest. “OK,“, I whisper hoarsely, looking at my puffy face in the bathroom mirror. “I get it. We will get better. I can do that with your help.“ I wipe away a lone tear, rolling down my cheek. Even if she is not fully back yet, this means that she is still with me. Somehow. Right? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I snap out of it when the door chimes again. Two truck drivers enter, lost in their chatter. Picking up the menus, I walk over to them. Today, I will have to jog back home. Or ask Dane to stop by the gym with me. The way things are today, I can already tell that sleep will not come easy tonight. Minutes are stretching into hours, and it’s evening. Past 10 pm. Dane is here, and I can finally hide behind the bar. Blend into the interior. Not that anybody (maybe except Baseball cap) ever notices me anyway. Hell, I lived the first 18 years of my life without being noticed by either s*x, even though I am an alpha female... supposedly. Well, maybe I also never really cared. I was too focused on other things. I don’t mind going back to that point in my life now, almost 10 years later. The bar gives me extra security, though. That slab of wood is what helps calm my nerves. So far, it’s slow. Sal comes over, taping the bar to make himself known. Not that I needed that. “How are you holding up, pumpkin?“ Sal barks my way as the music gets louder. “All good, Sal. Just getting to work. Is Dane outside?“ As he nods, I ask to go out real quick and see the bear for a moment. “You alright, dearyyy?“ Dane quirks an eyebrow as soon as he sees me. “I wish people would quit asking me that.“, I groan, slumping to the ground next to his foldable chair. When I first saw it, I had to stifle a laugh. That huge dude in his navy and mustard work shirt that looks like it’s going to pop a button any moment now, on that tiny chair. Dane pats my shoulder with his huge, calloused hand. I pull the cardigan tighter again. “Do you think you have time to go to the gym again after work?“ I don’t look at Dane, and he doesn’t ask why I want to go. Dane suggested I use working out instead of drinking to cope with my fears and anxiety. He grunts his approval, and his big hazel eyes keep scanning the parking lot for newcomers. Mmh, surprisingly long and thick lashes for a man, I think to myself, looking up at him. He is as aware of open spaces as I am. He never told me enough about that fear to place it, but I know him well now, so I can see his demeanor shift. Whatever has this big bad bear scared, I won’t press him to tell me. “You know I am here if there is something you want to get off your mind.“ Dane is still not looking at me, rubbing his buzzed head as he speaks. Every once in a while, he will offer up an ear. 90% of the time, I turn him down. Weirdly, he is the only person where it doesn’t bother me if he does, though. It seems genuine. “I should go back inside. “, I say, as I see a group of vehicles enter the parking lot. Dane nods, and I get up, dust off my uniform. Inside, I take my place behind the bar and breathe in deeply. Then I hear the bell above the door chime... and how loud the new customers are discussing amongst themselves, warns me that one: They are already intoxicated. And two: Not to turn around too early. “Be a dime and get us 7 beers.“, someone shouts at my back. Great, frat boys. I turn around to see three men around my age in suits leaning against the bar, not looking in my direction. A few others are still standing in the doorway. A weird pull is making me want to get over to the door, a feeling of anticipation rising inside me. I lean over to the tap to pour the beers they ordered. Shake it off, Olivia. They are just your run-of-the-mill frat boys. Oh well, I think to myself, not frat “boys “per se. Guess they just never outgrow that demeanor.