Could We Really Call It Love?

I can't even begin to describe to you how I feel at this moment. All I can tell you is that I am numb! Have you ever felt so numb that you felt like you were no longer in your own body? The type of numbness where you feel like if you died you would probably be doing a good service to the world. I can't believe that he's gone! I would never have in a million years imagined that someone would die and that it would be all my fault. Is this the new person that I have become? The type of person who gets so emotional that I can't control my emotions. I let my fear, my anger, and my hurt cloud my judgement and now someone is dead. I didn't think. UGHHHH! Why? Why? Huh? Why didn't you think ahead, huh? Why didn't you think about the possible consequences of your own actions? You wanted so badly to blame everyone else for the reasons why you would act the way you acted. Reasons that I must never ever speak a word of, because I deserve to be in jail as well. You're probably wondering what I'm rambling in my headspace about. I could tell you, but you wouldn't understand it all. You won't possibly be able to feel my heartache unless I take you back. Take you back to where I first met the loves of my life. Yes, loves, as in more than one. I'll start off with Jordan. Sexy ass Jordan! My safe space. I met Jordan when I was a baby. Our mothers were best friends. My mom still has pictures of us during all of our play dates as kiddos. At first, I thought it would be really weird to like Jordan. He was my best friend and if things didn't work out then I would lose him all together. Isn't there an unspoken rule that you never date your best friend? But I couldn't help it! Around the time we got to high school, Jordan blossomed into this gorgeous person. I know it's pretty shallow that I didn't like Jordan in his ugly phase, but he didn't like me until I blossomed either. LOL. We didn't date in high school though. Probably because we were both still figuring out love and the opposite s*x, as we both never really had a significant other. I say we, but it was mostly me. I was too chicken to say how I felt. Anywho, we both graduated and went to separate collages. After four years of not seeing each other, we both wound up in our home state after finishing a 4-year college. We were back to being friends like there was no time missed. We started hanging out more and more, but the vibe was different. We were both way more mature than when we first left. We weren't kids anymore, we were horny adults lol. Eventually, Jordan asked me to finally be his girlfriend. Do you think I rejected him? Pshhh no way! You see, Jordan is the type of guy every girl dreams of. He's the guy that you want to take home to your mother because you know she will fall in love with him. He's the guy that seems way too perfect sometimes and it makes you ask yourself a million self-doubting questions. Questions like, why did he choose me? How did I get so lucky out of all the girls he could have chosen? What does he see in me? I know I'm beautiful, but Jordan is so dreamy that he could just be a player and sleep with all the girls he wants. Instead, he settles for one girl. Me! I mean I'm his best friend, he'd never treat me wrong, would he? If you guys could see Jordan, you would understand how I feel. Jordan is a darkskin, tall, bearded, 6 foot 4, in shape, HUNK. He's a handsome man and he knows exactly how to treat a woman. Once a week, Jordan makes sure to take me out to eat along with a bouquet of roses. He never misses the roses. Although I am in no way shape or form a materialistic woman, the little things like always getting me roses showed how special I am to him. All that came tumbling down though. In a short amount of time, my " best friend ", the one that I thought would never hurt me,showed colors that I didn't even think existed inside of him. Jordan and I are in a rough space. So rough that I don't think that we will ever recover how I initially felt about him. Is this fixable? I ask myself that question every day. Then there's Cayden. Cayden is just as handsome as Jordan. Cayden is 5 foot 9, lightskin, has a thick beard and is super smart. I met Cayden while we were in college. Cayden is literally one of the smartest people that I know. Aside from how smart and handsome he is, Cayden is sweet and loving. You see, when I was in college my first year, I lost the most important person to me. My mother. She was all I had left after my dad went to jail for life. It was the most hectic and emotional time of my life. I was in my 2nd year of college and grieving the person who convinced me to be there in the first place. My mother was my rock. She was even Jordan's rock. Jordan reached out to me but we couldn't physically be there for each other and that made me spiral even more. I started to get into some stuff that I probably shouldn't say. Well, hell you're already here invading my thoughts. I might as well tell you, huh? I got into drugs and alcohol. I started partying every weekend when I should have been studying for tests. Going to class hungover and sleeping through the lectures. One day after class, I decided to head back to my dorm. I was going to give everything up. I was done feeling bad for myself. I was done feeling like I was disappointing my teachers, myself, and most of all my mother. I guess Cayden saw more potential in me than I did in myself, because as soon as I finished packing to leave, he knocked on my door. He told me that he understood what I was going through and that I was too smart to throw away my life. He comforted me, the same way that I longed for Jordan to do. He was there for me every day, building me back up from the ground, and in those moments, a strong bond that would never be able to be broken developed. Cayden was more than just a good friend to me. For those next three years, our bond even turned s****l. That's right, Cayden was my first ever boyfriend. I fell in love with Cayden. But all that came crashing down when Cayden decided that he was going to join the army straight after graduation. Like, why the army and you have so much potential to do everything else? It was for the money. This was the only way he felt he could pay for his sick dad's medical bills. After all, his dad was also all he had. Why didn't I travel with him, you might ask? Because, in order for me to live on base with him, we would have to be married. Marriage just wasn't something that I wanted to do. I mean, yes, I loved him, but I was getting ready to graduate from college. I hadn't even figured out my own life yet. How am I supposed to be someone's wife when I can barely take care of myself? I wasn't even going to force myself to lie. I had to break it off with him and even though we went our separate ways when we graduated, he always kept in contact.