Lycan’s Kiss — Bending not breaking

12/15 [...] We only met for the second time today… and I swore I would never be that guy. But I’m hooked, and I can’t think of anything, of anyone but you. Goddess, that sounds a little over the top and maybe a bit pathetic? I don’t even know. Never really been one to write letters, and I have a sinking feeling you will never even read one of these… so add coward to that list of not-so-flattering attributes. What has me mesmerized the most is your smile. How do you do it? How does it never falter and just always seem genuine? You make it look so easy. I really hope you never lose that. Seeing you approach everything as a chance and anything new as a challenge you are sure to handle amazes me... Wow, look at me getting all into my head. Especially since I put this together out of snip bits of a conversation you had with Nael. Yeah, I really am that creepy guy, huh? Sorry about that. All I want to say is: I love your laugh and the pure joy and light you rub onto everyone you talk to. It’s a gift I’m a little envious of… just a little bit. [...] ~ Jordan ~ :::::::::::: Elodie Leaning my back against the door, I let out a breath. Done. I’m done for today. My head hurts, and I feel strangely numb inside. Apart from my body aching all over…. Maybe I overdid it? No. I need this. This is being useful, this is getting my ‘groove’ back. The pack needs me. My family needs me. I touch my face and feel that the smile I have been wearing all day has left lines around my mouth. I’ve never had those before. Because before, I never really had to put in an effort. Before any smile was genuine, positivity just the only emotion that stuck for long. Why cry over spoilt milk or get upset about something inevitable, probably not done on purpose or just not aimed at you. I found it easiest to approach everyone with an open mind and genuinely take them as they are, my empathic abilities helping me to gauge their reaction before it happened. But now I can’t. Not because people, in general, have changed. They still are the same. I have changed. My core was ultimately altered by the black tarp poured into my heart when my mate got killed. I miss him every day. It’s been almost four years, and I swear those letters still smell like Jordan. The voice notes he left have me convinced he will come through the door at any minute now… and then he never does. I look down to my wrist, the simple blue string with the wolf charm he liked so much tied around it. The guy stole that after our first date. Maybe subconsciously, he knew it was terrible and just wanted something to hold onto to make me come back and give him a second chance. There was no reason to worry about that, though… I push my index finger under it and rub over the thinning thread with my thumb like he always did. The first few months after I lost Jordan, I would hear his constant drumming everywhere. Every slight noise would make me look up and check for someone popping open and closing their buttons repeatedly or lowly drumming on the closest flat surface. My life has been so quiet without him on the outside. My insides didn’t seem able to catch a breath around everyone grieving him, their emotions invading my heart and squeezing me until I couldn’t breathe. I found a way out of that. A way…that I don’t really want to remember or be reminded of. And it also doesn’t matter. I’m back with my family now. Back at Blue Ridge and helping to plan my sister's coronation. Because I’m a masochist and being around the people that miss my mate as much as I do is the fix I need. Spending time with his family and talking at length to the man he spent every day of his life with…. Who is going to be my brother-in-law in a few weeks. Funny how the fact that we almost got together is not even on the list of things that are painful about seeing Nael and Maeve. No, painful are the memories of the short time we all spent together. Of when I hung out with the guys before everything got complicated. Painful is remembering the literal bromance depicted in all the photos of the two of them. Seeing how Jordan’s death almost destroyed Nael and how the wound he suffered that night throbs whenever I’m around. He almost died as well, and especially in the days right after, the cold guilt of wanting to follow his best friend and the pain of that ultimately meaning leaving my sister behind, emanating off the now King regent. Only one of the people I chose to get as far away from as possible. Not because I didn’t love them… just because their trying to be helpful made me feel worse. When I hit the ground in Haiti, the familiar mixture of feelings made me want to cry with relief. This I could handle. Nerves, tiredness, fear, despair….but not the constant grief, pity guilt, and pain back home. It’s easier if it’s a stranger. The deeper the emotional bond I have to a person, the more intense the feelings my empathic abilities pick up from them. The hurricane had hit a week before, and everyone was desperately trying to rebuild. There were still a lot of rescue missions going on, and several field hospitals needed doctors. I found my place again, far away from him. Years of training were finally spent on something other than being the face of the pack hospital, smiling while being paraded around in front of board members and potential Investors. ‘Look at her. Finishing high school at 13 and getting right into college.’ ‘How many programs did you get into right off the bet?’ Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of my accomplishments and would do anything to help my pack out. But I never actually felt useful there…. The last time I could treat patients was when I was on rotation at the emergency room, where I met Nael… shortly after I graduated. There I was able to work with my hands and was never about using my healing powers on anybody. And I loved it. My gifts have been somewhat hazardous since I lost my mate. So I avoid using them if I can. The empathy is not something I can turn off. But if I use them in the capacity of doing my job, it feels different, and the literal hangover I have from taking everyone’s feelings in is bearable … feels like a sore muscle that just comes with labor. Field medicine was the right thing for me. My heart set on helping people in urgent situations. The worst day of their life, so to speak. And I learned a lot from the seasoned medics and doctors I worked with. Things a hospital could never teach you. After the situation in Haiti was relieved, I returned to the states… but not to my family. Instead, I traveled around and….saw the sights. But six months ago, I was over it. Couldn’t go any further and just missed my family. So I packed my bags again, and when I knocked on my parent's door, they were ecstatic. My brother willing to give me any position I wanted right then and there. Just to make me stay. As the Alpha of Blue Ridge Pack, one of North American's biggest, if not the biggest, he could do that. I didn’t want him to, though. Telling him the same thing I had told myself for months. I just want to be useful. And I actually managed to be. I never stopped. Not once did I take a break or a day off in the six months I have been back. On the one hand, because it keeps my head quiet and the thoughts of Jordan and what I lost far enough away, so I don’t break down. On the other hand, it helps me divert attention. This way, my family members haven’t noticed how wonky and messed up, just simply wrong everything about me is. My smile, my attitude. It gives me the stuff to talk about and lets me excuse myself because I’m tired and nobody thinks anything of it. After a double shift at the hospital and volunteering as a ballet instructor for the younger pups at the gym, how could I not be? It takes me everything just to survive the day as happy cheery Elodie, though. I am praying to be her again soon and not finding it in me to believe that’s very likely. Because I’m not that person any longer, even though I desperately need to be. She had a handle on herself. Was positive and did surely not obsessively read letters from her mate a hundred times every night until they almost fell apart. She was perfect…what I needed to be to stay here and have my life back. Because honestly… What else is there for me? I often feel like an old piece of play dough that's bend and stretched to the point where you can already see the cracks and lines developing from the tear. But no matter how much I try, I just don’t entirely fit the mold of my old life any longer. Almost, but never fully. Good enough to fool most of my family members, though….all except Maeve. Who has been keeping more of an eye on me. Maybe it’s our bond as triplets. But then it would be the same with Theo. Guess he’s too wrapped up in his own problems, trying to get a handle on the rising distribution of the drug ‘haze’ that has been around for a few years now and his personal vendetta against the ‘Council’. After them now having been involved in not only our mom's worst nightmare but also being responsible for what happened to our sister or at least helping the perpetrators out, there is nothing to stop him. Maeve is different, though. She’s had to develop a fine antenna for people. And now I know why. Thinking of her being bullied so relentlessly for years still makes me cringe, and my heart aches for her. My sister never talked to anyone about that; it only came up in family therapy sessions after what happened years ago. I go to take off my scrubs and drop my gym bag, shuddering at the memory of that day. It set all this in motion, but I still don't blame Maeve for what happened to Jordan. Not on her that some psycho thought kidnapping and brutalizing her… twice would give him a leg up on the ‘special abilities’-front. He never got what he wanted…well, not all of it anyway. Sure wrecked our family. The first time when we were fourteen, my parents managed to somehow ‘glue’ all of us back together, the cracks never fully closing, though—causing a shift in our sibling dynamic. And, of course, you can’t forget Emma, who came out of that whole situation and was what Maeve held onto for years without knowing why she felt so connected to the little girl. The second time around, Nael and Jordan got involved. How could they not… after the guy having been sentenced to house arrest and just recently being released before he decided to go and force a family reunion with Maeve and Emma. My sister being Nael’s mate, was the other reason for the rage on his part. While all those memories are painful, I can’t thank the goddess enough for not having to remember everything. See, when I say my parents ‘glued’ us back together, I mean they used magic. Magic to fix it. To delete what happened from our memory and make all the bad go away… didn’t really work out well because they had to take Maeve’s wolf in the process. Something that came back up the second time around and caused a rift between my parents and both my siblings. Maeve now slowly regaining her memories after meeting her mate, which broke the spell on her. And Theo just disgusted and distraught by what his role models had done. My shoes go in their spot, so do the sweaty workout clothes. Order. Everything needs to be in order, so I work like a well-oiled machine. Hopping into the shower, I steel myself for the family dinner I’m facing in a few minutes. I go over some answers I can give to the questions I might be asked while I push a brush through my hair. Avoiding looking in the mirror, I put on some clothes. I don’t need to see my reflection to know my grey eyes are dead, and my brown hair just looks dull. But I’m tired, so how could it not? Worked nights for a week a few days ago, so lack of sunlight….there you go—the perfect excuse for Auntie Heather or Mom to fuzz over. Dad will probably nurse his whisky and throw me a knowing look, and Charlotte will take me aside and ask me worried questions. I’m ready for that, though. Suddenly there’s a knock on my door. When I open it, I’m faced with a face that looks irritatingly like mine, grey eyes regarding me. “Hey.” Theo pushes his hands deeper into his pockets. “Hi.”, the beaming smile is back on my face, and I feel my muscles ache at that. F**k, I need a break. “Is everything ok?” My brother shrugs. “I just thought it might be nice to go out to dinner tonight… Just the two of us.” I c**k my head at him. “Why?” “I have a proposition to make, and I feel like you will agree more easily if Mom and Dad aren’t around and you’re not trying to please them.” Ahh, go to love him for his bluntness. Straight to the point. Any breath used to over-explain or nicely word something is wasted in Theo Hartgrave’s eyes. A man of few words…and even fewer smiles. But for some reason, he gives me an encouraging one now. “No worries, Elli. It’s a good opportunity. And I know for a fact you’ll like it there.” ‘There’. So I’m going to leave the pack. Uhm. Not sure how I feel about that. ‘Should we hear him out?’, Ira muses ‘It’s Theo. Of course, we should.’ ‘He’s right, you know? You are way too much of a people pleaser.', my wolf grumbles. “Ok. Where are we going?” Pulling the door shut behind me, I look up at Theo. “It’s a surprise.”