Between Hate and Love

I saw him again. After five years, there he was, standing just three meters away from me. Limang taon na ang nakalipas at ang dami niyang pinagbago, pero hindi ang pananamit niya. His outside appearance was still the same. He was still handsome as I could remember. But his demeanor… it was all different. I could not hear the sweetness in his voice, he wasn’t smiling often now too, and there was bitterness in his eyes. I could not help but notice how he was presenting himself so sophisticatedly. He was wearing a button-down white long sleeves, a natural-colored chinos, a black leather belt, a checkered coat in white and pale yellow in color, he was wearing suede loafers, and his hair was slicked back. He looked so sophisticated and he had a lot of money now, so he could buy more of those vintage clothes with an ivy league style. He loved those until now. I couldn’t believe na makikita ko siya ulit. I thought what we had five years ago was a done deal. But then, I had the courage to go home for him. With the help of my friends and our common friends, I was able to know where he was now and what he had been doing. What I couldn’t believe more was how he stayed true to his words. Sabi niya noon, kapag hindi kami nagkatuluyan, he would spend the rest of his life in work, getting laid, getting drunk, and nothing more—no more serious relationships because he wanted me to be his last. Seeing him now made me so nervous. I… I wanted to call his name. I wanted him to look at me. I wanted him to hug me tightly in his arms… just like before. But then, this time was different. He was mad at me and I couldn’t blame him for that. After all, it was me who left him five years ago. The bass of the music was in the same beat as my heart. I pulled my dress for the nth time and tried to check my makeup for the hundredth time through my hand mirror. Masyado atang makapal ang pagkakalagay ni Venera ng makeup sa mukha ko. Pilit kong pinakalma ang puso ko habang papalapit ako sa kanya. Two meters. I was only two meters away from him now. He had two girls drinking with him and he seemed a bit drunk already. My eyes caught my wristwatch and realized it was already past midnight. My heartbeat became even faster. And when he suddenly glanced at me, and the familiarity in his eyes crept in, I thought I lost my breath. His forehead creased, and he pushed aside the two girls that were with him. I didn’t know what to do. My hands were trembling. Halos hindi ako magkandaugaga sa paglalakad palapit sa kanya. Ang taas din ng heels ko, at dumagdag lang ‘yon sa panghihina ng mga tuhod ko. “Angel… M-my Angel, you’re here?” He muttered. He was the one that closed the distance between us. He caressed my hair before cupping my chin, trying to see in my eyes if it was really me. Para akong mauubusan ng laway sa lapit naming dalawa, dahil kanina pa ako lunok nang lunok. “You’re back?” My head slowly nodded. ‘Yes, I came back for you.’ Gusto kong sabihin sa kaniya ‘yon, pero alam ko na hindi niya ikatutuwa ‘yon. After all, he was the reason I left too. He was drunk. I could tell. He reeks of alcohol and from what Venera told me, he was in this bar for three hours already, drinking straight, but not getting laid—‘As if he was just waiting for someone, for you,’ Venera told me. Somehow, Venera’s words gave me hope. So, here I was now, standing just inches from him. And although he smelled of alcohol and there was a faint smell of cigar on his clothes, his mouth tasted sweet. He kissed me. His mouth moved with familiarity, but he was a better kisser now. Probably from experience. He wasn’t that bad before, but I was the only girl he had kissed before, and I basically taught him how to kiss because I had one ex... while I was his first. The kiss deepened, and then we found ourselves just entering the vacant comfort room. His movements were intense, and his hands were already tracing my body. He knew where to touch me, and that gave me hope... he still knew me. My eyes were tightly shut, and all my inhibitions were lost. He was cupping my breast, and only then did I realize that I was half-naked. My little dress was bunched up around my belly, a bit torn because of how forceful his movements were. “Ah…” My moan grew louder and louder as he sucked my n*****s. Then his hands made their way to my wetness. He wasn’t satisfied; he lifted me and pressed me against the wall. Neither of us was paying attention to the people knocking and asking if there was someone inside. I couldn’t care less about the people outside. We were inside a bar. This is normal. “f**k it!” he groaned. He inserted two of his fingers and worked his magic. My eyes rolled, feeling his hands inside me. My head instantly looked up at the ceiling, and when my eyes met his, I felt cold. He was moving to pleasure me. But... there was something missing. There was no love to it anymore. Parang hindi ko na siya kilala. Halos maiyak ako nang ilagay niya ang kaliwang kamay niya sa leeg ko at pisilin ito ng mariin. Hindi ako makahinga. I tried to push him away. I didn’t feel the pleasure anymore. I felt like a cold water was splashed onto me. Quickly, I pushed him away and cried. I found myself on the floor while he was fixing himself. Nawalan na rin siguro ng gana. He seemed not to care for me. Not anymore… Niyakap ko ang sarili ko habang humihikbi. Hindi ako makatingin sa kanya at hindi ko sigurado kung tinitingnan niya ako. Naririnig ko lang na inaayos niya ang belt niya at nang matapos siya, lumuhod siya para tingnan ako. “Welcome home, b***h,” he told me with a smirk, holding my chin, before leaving me alone on the cold floor of the bathroom.